another poem

The Ridge

Could it be that

we were separated

all along?

our feet pounding down

the parallel dirt

toes touching

by accident

on purpose

but not forever

and a ridge of earth

growing in between

as we dig

until it is too much

of a wall

for our toes

to climb

on purpose

and touch

Some poetry, inspired by recent events and experiences...

Deeply Awake and Wide Asleep

too soon,
a rising solar flare
burns its passionate colors
over your delicate face
and again
until thickened
and calloused

unfeeling
insensitive
uncaring

unless

the eternal ocean
reaching and pulling
erases underfoot
the more precious
sand
treasured too late

Fasion Role-Model

Would you see me better
if I stood on the cat walk
and shook my hips
wrapped in fabric
that clung
to every boney curve
of my body?

Or can you stand
the sight
of a woman with flaws
extra curves
moles
and pimples
a nose and lips too small
and hair unmanageable
and ordinary?

Which look
will you blindly follow?
With which look
will I walk
ahead?

Positive Self Talk

It's a new trick I have. A little switch turned on, and ever since then I have been playing with this new ability to talk to myself, and believe it. I think that is the key. I used to try to tell myself things, nice things, hopeful things, pleasant and encouraging things. But, I always had a reason to refute those things, and I didn't believe it. Now, I just don't care if it's true to anybody else, or even true at all. It simply doesn't matter. As long as it gets me through the day, or the hour, or the minute, it is a useful thought.

Examples:

I am a passionate and fascinating person. ( heh heh _ I just realized that saying it to myself is a lot more convincing than typing it out and broadcasting over cyberspace).

I can totally handle myself. I have self control. I am in possession of myself. (Not possessed, but in possession. That's different.)

I have experience in surprising myself in new situations. I can do it again.

I have a right to love chocolate, and eat it at will. ;o)

End of an ending

#1: pursue career in counseling

#2: go to religiously conservative university, keeping pagan past and agnostic present to self

#3: discover program is weak in job preparation, not enough internship hours in the right place for licensure, and not requiring teaching certification when most school districts require this before hiring

#4: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness, realize there is no way to control anything, relax, and renew self-delusions

#5: listen to supervisor about cutting back nia classes

#6: talk to husband about stopping nia classes during internship

#7: mourn nia classes

#8: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness

#9: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness

a-ha moments in abundance

I have a wonderful feeling right now, and just thought I'd share it.

I am now officially in a counseling program. As always, I chew and chew on my decisions - sometimes acting impulsively and then disecting my reasoning later. I must say that I am learning so much in this experience. Learning just the beginning of all of the theories of counseling, the philosophies of personality development, self-actualization... it's just been so enlightening. Many of the concepts I have heard before, but never had the fullness of life experience to really take them in and KNOW them. Much of it is allowing a feeling of peace - with myself, with my limits, with my abilities, with my life.

It gives me the sense that I am in the right place. I am inspired by what I am learning, and taking it all in. I am understanding myself, the world, my place in it in so many different ways. It's really spectacular.

I also feel a very strong calling to be of service... to follow my heart and create something positive in the world. I already do this in my Nia classes, but now I feel driven to broaden my arena, challenge myself, and face the world in a more powerful and direct way.

And... it all starts here in my living room... as I learn how to fully own who I am, and let it shine out as my gift to the world.


How about you?

Seeing the writing on the hand

So it has been a long time coming... blame computer and digital camera issues... plus an ever changing spectrum of life situations vying for attention... all good!

I wrote on my hand today, prompted by 'the daily groove' e-zine that I get, well, daily. It's all about enjoying parenting, which sadly many people aren't able to do at times. See his website here. The idea was to write a reminder of what you love about your kids - in code (so the kids don't know what it is) - on your hand, and see if it changes your attitude and allows good feelings and things to be attracted to you throughout your day.

For my toddler, who has entered a not-so-cute-trantrum-throwing-phase, I drew the eyes for his intense focus and attention to detail. Even at this young age, he notices and mimics everything and knows exactly what he wants. A good trait, to be sure. It helps to appreciate it in that way when he MUST HAVE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TRAINS GRIPPED IN BOTH HANDS AT ALL TIMES.

For my seven (almost eight) year old, I drew a heart for his HUGE LOVING heart and his love for so many things in the world. He has followed in his dad's footsteps and become a voracious reader, and he throws himself into everything he chooses to do. He is always so excited to see people and get involved in the world, and he is always very sad to see them go away. He loves so much. I love that about him.

I like having those reminders written on my hand. Good things are happening in my mind at least!

Musing as I knit... letting go of a bad attitude

Monday's Muse from MaternalSpark

This photo is G, in the made-to-order FitKnits top. She wore it in Nia class this morning, and looked beautiful. She's such a joyful spirit. I've made a scarf with leftover yarn too. I am really enjoying my growing business!


Thinking as I knit (inspired by the knowledge that my anger creates dis-ease).

It is amazing the thoughts that one will believe in order to keep oneself bigger than life. I have had recent reason to take a good look at my attitude about life. I have been very angry about many injustices - the 'role' of women (even the phrase makes me cringe), let's face it: my role as a woman, what society accepts and doesn't, insensitivity, greed, and selfishness in powerful places... etc.

But, as my wise husband pointed out (after the train of thought brought us to many wild, wondrous, painful, and quiet places) it all comes down to pride.

The very thing that makes me angry in others, I am using to keep myself stuck in that anger. The pride that says the world should be the way I want it to be.

It is not that way. It is not that way for anybody.

Sigh (head down, tail between the legs). OK.



Can I just accept it all as what IS?



I'd love to hear from those who read this... What are your thoughts about the role of women, in society, in the home, in social connections, in anything? Are you satisfied with the way you are defined as a woman? Are you resigned to accepting it as it IS? If you are, I'd love to know how. This is a sticking point for me, which causes me and my family much strife.

What do you think, ladies?

Pictures not shown to protect the innocent

PLAY... Inspired by the Carnival of Play at PhD in Parenting. Thanks to Maternal Spark for the heads up! Go to both sites, check it out! Welcome those who come from either of those fabulous sites!

I went to a workshop in Chicago, several years ago. It was about Comedy Improv- which was a favorite subject of mine. It was soooo much fun! I laughed the whole time. This wasn't good for my stage presence, but the instructor said that it meant that I was 'in the moment,' which was good!

IN THE MOMENT, indeed. That's where we need to be to be playful, for sure. That's where our kids are - always. I think about my mostly pre-verbal toddler, experiencing the world as full of sensation and presence. I refer to my 7 year old as a force-of-nature, because he cannot be tamed. My living room furniture suffers, but his spirit is so strong. I love that about him.

My husband has that same silly spark of life, which comes out to play when other things get out of the way. He's been known to kick his feet in the air behind him to the music of silly commercials, and wrap his lower half with blankets in a diaper-like fashion (this in the hotel room in Memphis only a few weeks ago). It was delicious to see him so fully enjoying himself. It was not flattering, but it was immensely attractive... if you know what I mean.

When I can erase the habitual patterns of my misimpressioned youth, and shine a light on NOW... I can play play play with the best of them. Of course NIA is full of play. I love teaching Nia. Its like a little stage and creative outlet for all that I am. Plus, I get to share that opportunity to let loose and explore and express with my friends who join me in class. Truely a privilege to work while I play, and play while I work. I get to create coreography that expresses not only what I hear in the music that I love, but also what I feel. Blessed. Truely blessed.

As if my life could stand any more fun, I knit and crochet and bead and embroider obsessively... but it is a joyful obsession - especially when the pressure is off and I do it for the pure enjoyment of the quiet repetitive soft progress. It's not your typical definition of play, but to me it is just as fun. It's where my sould goes to rest. Everybody needs a little bit of that.

Play on my sweets!

knitty gritty

Once again, the kitty is drawn to the knitty (heh, I mean the knitting...)



This is the beginning, or about half of the shirt I am making for a fellow Nia dancer in my class. Close up of the added ladder yarn at the bottom, which looks really nice. The colors are a bit brighter in real life, and not in my darkened living room.

Things that I think while I knit: I wonder how much of my theories have become excuses, and vice versa. I have a theory that women have the potential to be, and most often are, in touch with a deeply felt (not necessarily understood or explainable) knowledge of what it takes to make a life full and complete - nurtured, you might say. I think that women know, and act accordingly, when those needs are not fulfilled for themselves and those in their care. I also feel that this modern society of the US really lacks the depth to provide for such things, and therefore - women suffer. Now, is this just an excuse to eat Ben and Jerry's? I ask you?

Today, someone asked me if I was pregnant. Nope. Just a belly. But I have my theories.


Anyhoo...

Check out the Spirit of Nia Tour video. I'm in there wearing a purple shirt and black pants, but you'd have to know where to look. It was an awesome time. This is where that joyous picture of the earlier post was taken too! It was much fun.

Monday's Muse: What inspires now?

Today, I am inspired by the inner spark of life that calls to be shared. To share my aliveness, as I dance and laugh and sing. This is what I do when I feel 'in the moment,' and what makes me feel the most useful and good at what I do. Whether it's being a mom, a wife, a friend, a Nia teacher, a woman... to share my aliveness is the goal.

I am reading 'When it all Falls Apart' by Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist nun. (I used to want to be a Buddhist nun. Note to self: notice important phrase USED TO.) This book is a wonderful tool to stop the mind and notice all things as they are. I am really enjoying it, and it is inspiring me to be more present. Present with all the little avoidance techniques that I use to run away from NOW... She says that our fundamental situation is Joy, and invites the reader to discover this his or herself. I am inspired to do that too.

Knitting for Nia

Finito! I loved knitting this. Love ribbon yarn.

I wore this to teach Nia class this morning, and one of my students has asked me to make one for her! For pay! Whoohoo!

Yarn date next week to pick out her colors!

Witness

Beauty in decay. Impermanence.

This tree by the road asked to be photographed and appreciated.

A stormy day today, inside and out.

Outside, powerfully and electrically blustery and now raining a beautiful torrent that runs down the hillside street in front of my house.

The storms inside were equally charged. An argument between myselves - the one who hears and knows that she is needed here and now for presence and support to my children, and the one who mourns the time lost to etherial memories where presence and support did not feed my own soul.

Today, was born again the witness, who watched the storms with curiosity and wonder - both inside and out, and waits for them to pass - as they always do. Not a fair weather friend to myself, no. Not at all.

What inspires me?

First, and last, the love and support of my best friend.

And...




Nature, animals, things of beauty, solitude, and love.

















Silly things, and the always intriguing way that my kids see the world.
















Moments of pleasure, and dancing with Joy, with friends old and new.

Thanks mamaspark!

Poet, aka Kitty, is normally aloof and chooses to sit in 'her' chair in the living room. But, when I knit she likes to sit by me. I think it's because I'm calm, or she likes the yarn (sometimes playing with it a bit more than I would like). I'm making myself a shirt. It's really shiney, but I can wear it to a Nia class - no problem. That or a disco bar. It's a bit 'rock star.'


I love the 'in the moment' feeling of knitting. My house is a 'place,' but I had my peace.

Spring break, bunnies, and panda bears

Spring is here, and the bunnies have done what bunnies will do. This one was dragged, unharmed, from it's warm little rabbit hole in our backyard by our dog (doing what dogs do). We placed him/her back with the other baby bunny and covered the hole again with bunny hair. Adorable. They make little squeaking noises too.

After much stress and worry by my oldest son, waiting to see if the mommy and daddy bunny would return to take care of the babies, we researched 'what to do if you find baby bunnies' online. We learned that the bunnies return at dusk or sunset to nurse their babies for only 5 minutes a day.

Yes, I am jealous of bunnies.

Creativity is anxiously awaiting the size 13, 24 inch circular knitting needles that I special ordered - for the little shirt I will make for myself made of ribbon and ladder yarn. Very exciting, and in spring colors too. Joy abounds!


Here's a silly little video of the Panda Bear at the Memphis Zoo (our fabulous splurge of a weekend destination!) A fun time was had by all!

"Panda Bear Camouflage"

Writing Submissions wanted

I just submitted a piece of writing at the following fun creative mom's (and moms') site.

It was fun!

http://maternalspark.com/wp/?page_id=336

My cup runneth over

I love getting comments on my blog. I love giving comments on my blog. Support and encouragement are always welcome, and fill me with the desire to do the same for others.

Also, I am full of images and designs and inspirations for new art projects. Too bad I can't just type them up like a blog post and push a button to create it. Full to overflowing, but somehow I must contain them until they can be created - lest they be forgotten.

I have always been awed by certain artworks simply because of the time they take to be made - the intricacy of each little stitch. It's like a meditation, and I am awed by an artist who spends the majority of their time in this way. Awed and, honestly, jealous.

I finished the beading on the last blue butterfly today. Just two more moth wings and on to the purple pinecones. Those might be quicker, as there aren't so many twists and turns involved.

Love to those who read and comment! My cup runneth over!

The project of great detail and length

Can you see the little people dancing between the images?












And the faint outline of more beading to be done around the edges?

Circles of dancing figures, and inbetween them the images appeared. The beads take forever. I have so little time - and must find pretty large blocks of time... so it happens every month or so that I do ONE SHAPE's OUTLINE.

Still, determined to finish it... someday.

The mirror of forgiveness

Boy oh boy, when you focus on something - like forgiveness - things just pop up in front of you all over the place! I had a rough day of it. Forgiving myself for being so slow to forgive at times! I realize there are grudges being held in me. Some should surely be released - but are holding on and waiting for... what? an apology? understanding?, but the trickier ones are things that keep happening... and don't seem to have an easy solution. Is it just that I am staying with this self concept of 'victim' or 'martyr?' Could I not just accept that it is my responsibility to wake up through the night to care for our baby? Or, is it just that the months drag on and on, and a glimpse of a better night's sleep turns into just a fluke and a tease?

I've been trying to give up 'snarkiness,' sarcasm, complaining. But, I must say, I am frustrated with certain chronic annoyances that cycle and feed into themselves. Lack of sleep, low immune system, chronic inflammation of the cornea of my left eye. What would Louise L Hay say?
BREAK THE CYCLE!!!!! but HOW??? Change my thoughts and I change my life.

The change that is required is probably something around humility. It's a life theme of mine, I do believe. The humble mother, who must set aside so many things, for the good of the family.

I need a vacation.

Forgiveness

I am certainly a nicer person when I decide to forgive the imperfections of the world. Definitely it is easier to deal with people then, too. The doctor who didn't call me back - several times. The son who doesn't want to get up in the morning. The other son who wakes up all night long. The husband who falls asleep way too early, before I have a chance to talk to him about anything. And myself - for innumerable things that I could choose to deem unforgivable. But, I won't. I'll be my own best friend. Onward to the gentle goals, chosen for my health and well being - and not the obsessive quest for perfection.