Positive Self Talk

It's a new trick I have. A little switch turned on, and ever since then I have been playing with this new ability to talk to myself, and believe it. I think that is the key. I used to try to tell myself things, nice things, hopeful things, pleasant and encouraging things. But, I always had a reason to refute those things, and I didn't believe it. Now, I just don't care if it's true to anybody else, or even true at all. It simply doesn't matter. As long as it gets me through the day, or the hour, or the minute, it is a useful thought.

Examples:

I am a passionate and fascinating person. ( heh heh _ I just realized that saying it to myself is a lot more convincing than typing it out and broadcasting over cyberspace).

I can totally handle myself. I have self control. I am in possession of myself. (Not possessed, but in possession. That's different.)

I have experience in surprising myself in new situations. I can do it again.

I have a right to love chocolate, and eat it at will. ;o)

End of an ending

#1: pursue career in counseling

#2: go to religiously conservative university, keeping pagan past and agnostic present to self

#3: discover program is weak in job preparation, not enough internship hours in the right place for licensure, and not requiring teaching certification when most school districts require this before hiring

#4: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness, realize there is no way to control anything, relax, and renew self-delusions

#5: listen to supervisor about cutting back nia classes

#6: talk to husband about stopping nia classes during internship

#7: mourn nia classes

#8: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness

#9: remember book by Buddhist nun about groundlessness

a-ha moments in abundance

I have a wonderful feeling right now, and just thought I'd share it.

I am now officially in a counseling program. As always, I chew and chew on my decisions - sometimes acting impulsively and then disecting my reasoning later. I must say that I am learning so much in this experience. Learning just the beginning of all of the theories of counseling, the philosophies of personality development, self-actualization... it's just been so enlightening. Many of the concepts I have heard before, but never had the fullness of life experience to really take them in and KNOW them. Much of it is allowing a feeling of peace - with myself, with my limits, with my abilities, with my life.

It gives me the sense that I am in the right place. I am inspired by what I am learning, and taking it all in. I am understanding myself, the world, my place in it in so many different ways. It's really spectacular.

I also feel a very strong calling to be of service... to follow my heart and create something positive in the world. I already do this in my Nia classes, but now I feel driven to broaden my arena, challenge myself, and face the world in a more powerful and direct way.

And... it all starts here in my living room... as I learn how to fully own who I am, and let it shine out as my gift to the world.


How about you?

Seeing the writing on the hand

So it has been a long time coming... blame computer and digital camera issues... plus an ever changing spectrum of life situations vying for attention... all good!

I wrote on my hand today, prompted by 'the daily groove' e-zine that I get, well, daily. It's all about enjoying parenting, which sadly many people aren't able to do at times. See his website here. The idea was to write a reminder of what you love about your kids - in code (so the kids don't know what it is) - on your hand, and see if it changes your attitude and allows good feelings and things to be attracted to you throughout your day.

For my toddler, who has entered a not-so-cute-trantrum-throwing-phase, I drew the eyes for his intense focus and attention to detail. Even at this young age, he notices and mimics everything and knows exactly what he wants. A good trait, to be sure. It helps to appreciate it in that way when he MUST HAVE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TRAINS GRIPPED IN BOTH HANDS AT ALL TIMES.

For my seven (almost eight) year old, I drew a heart for his HUGE LOVING heart and his love for so many things in the world. He has followed in his dad's footsteps and become a voracious reader, and he throws himself into everything he chooses to do. He is always so excited to see people and get involved in the world, and he is always very sad to see them go away. He loves so much. I love that about him.

I like having those reminders written on my hand. Good things are happening in my mind at least!

Musing as I knit... letting go of a bad attitude

Monday's Muse from MaternalSpark

This photo is G, in the made-to-order FitKnits top. She wore it in Nia class this morning, and looked beautiful. She's such a joyful spirit. I've made a scarf with leftover yarn too. I am really enjoying my growing business!


Thinking as I knit (inspired by the knowledge that my anger creates dis-ease).

It is amazing the thoughts that one will believe in order to keep oneself bigger than life. I have had recent reason to take a good look at my attitude about life. I have been very angry about many injustices - the 'role' of women (even the phrase makes me cringe), let's face it: my role as a woman, what society accepts and doesn't, insensitivity, greed, and selfishness in powerful places... etc.

But, as my wise husband pointed out (after the train of thought brought us to many wild, wondrous, painful, and quiet places) it all comes down to pride.

The very thing that makes me angry in others, I am using to keep myself stuck in that anger. The pride that says the world should be the way I want it to be.

It is not that way. It is not that way for anybody.

Sigh (head down, tail between the legs). OK.



Can I just accept it all as what IS?



I'd love to hear from those who read this... What are your thoughts about the role of women, in society, in the home, in social connections, in anything? Are you satisfied with the way you are defined as a woman? Are you resigned to accepting it as it IS? If you are, I'd love to know how. This is a sticking point for me, which causes me and my family much strife.

What do you think, ladies?

Pictures not shown to protect the innocent

PLAY... Inspired by the Carnival of Play at PhD in Parenting. Thanks to Maternal Spark for the heads up! Go to both sites, check it out! Welcome those who come from either of those fabulous sites!

I went to a workshop in Chicago, several years ago. It was about Comedy Improv- which was a favorite subject of mine. It was soooo much fun! I laughed the whole time. This wasn't good for my stage presence, but the instructor said that it meant that I was 'in the moment,' which was good!

IN THE MOMENT, indeed. That's where we need to be to be playful, for sure. That's where our kids are - always. I think about my mostly pre-verbal toddler, experiencing the world as full of sensation and presence. I refer to my 7 year old as a force-of-nature, because he cannot be tamed. My living room furniture suffers, but his spirit is so strong. I love that about him.

My husband has that same silly spark of life, which comes out to play when other things get out of the way. He's been known to kick his feet in the air behind him to the music of silly commercials, and wrap his lower half with blankets in a diaper-like fashion (this in the hotel room in Memphis only a few weeks ago). It was delicious to see him so fully enjoying himself. It was not flattering, but it was immensely attractive... if you know what I mean.

When I can erase the habitual patterns of my misimpressioned youth, and shine a light on NOW... I can play play play with the best of them. Of course NIA is full of play. I love teaching Nia. Its like a little stage and creative outlet for all that I am. Plus, I get to share that opportunity to let loose and explore and express with my friends who join me in class. Truely a privilege to work while I play, and play while I work. I get to create coreography that expresses not only what I hear in the music that I love, but also what I feel. Blessed. Truely blessed.

As if my life could stand any more fun, I knit and crochet and bead and embroider obsessively... but it is a joyful obsession - especially when the pressure is off and I do it for the pure enjoyment of the quiet repetitive soft progress. It's not your typical definition of play, but to me it is just as fun. It's where my sould goes to rest. Everybody needs a little bit of that.

Play on my sweets!

knitty gritty

Once again, the kitty is drawn to the knitty (heh, I mean the knitting...)



This is the beginning, or about half of the shirt I am making for a fellow Nia dancer in my class. Close up of the added ladder yarn at the bottom, which looks really nice. The colors are a bit brighter in real life, and not in my darkened living room.

Things that I think while I knit: I wonder how much of my theories have become excuses, and vice versa. I have a theory that women have the potential to be, and most often are, in touch with a deeply felt (not necessarily understood or explainable) knowledge of what it takes to make a life full and complete - nurtured, you might say. I think that women know, and act accordingly, when those needs are not fulfilled for themselves and those in their care. I also feel that this modern society of the US really lacks the depth to provide for such things, and therefore - women suffer. Now, is this just an excuse to eat Ben and Jerry's? I ask you?

Today, someone asked me if I was pregnant. Nope. Just a belly. But I have my theories.


Anyhoo...

Check out the Spirit of Nia Tour video. I'm in there wearing a purple shirt and black pants, but you'd have to know where to look. It was an awesome time. This is where that joyous picture of the earlier post was taken too! It was much fun.