Controling myself and enjoying myself

Thinking today about how often I am actually enjoying MYSELF lately. It's kind of a new concept. I have always loved to do things by myself - my art work and reading and napping (he he). But, to be alone was sometimes scary. I had a fear of myself, and my mind, and where it would take me. Often my mind took me to some very unfriendly places. Now, I understand that I have an inexhaustable supply of energy available to me - all the time. Sure, I need to recharge now and then... but I can also call on this energy whenever I need it. It doesn't cure all things, but it reminds me that I can enjoy myself.
Also, I used to be really pent up emotionally, and totally in denial about any negative thing about me - feelings, habits, anything. (This was a long time ago). A very recent development is my ability to hold the charge of an emotion - and transform it almost immediately. Angry about something - instead of allowing it to make me feel horrible about my surroundings, and then about myself, and then guilty... I ground myself and take that angry energy and harness it - make it MINE. Make it at my disposal for the ends that I WANT. Such a good feeling to be able to do that. Allowing me to feel less afraid to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Feeling in control of the one and only thing that I can control... me.

Restlessness

It seems that I am constantly looking for 'something' to do or 'something' to accomplish. But I have so little time to devote to anything. It is frustrating. Soooooo many goals. So many pictures of artworks that float around in my mind. Looking in to fixing up the basement so that I can have a space just for my creative projects. It is such a vital part of my life, and my self, and I miss it sooooo much.
Basement project is slow going. Waiting for others to do their part and give us a quote. Waiting waiting waiting.
I know that the baby will grow, and I will miss his smallness and the cute little things that he does. But this restlessness also urges for the next phase - where he is not so attached to me for everything. Where I can sleep for a full night. It has been so long since I have really slept. Waiting for the answer to this difficult time in our household. Waiting waiting waiting.
In practicing Nia, there is the concept of RAW - Relaxed, Alert, and Waiting. I am relaxed, at least most of the time (barring any acute disturbances), mostly alert (knowing what is happening in the now) and definitely WAITING. I suppose it is that part that I must learn to en-Joy.

Doves

There are two doves that live on my front porch. I think they are the same doves that come back year after year to the same place. They sit on the railing together, and make their little purring noises. There's a little tiny corner of brick that sticks out on the top of the column under the roof of the open-air porch. That's where they have built their nest for the last six years, and maybe longer - since that is just when we moved here.
I had a long talk with my son today about choosing to look at things in a positive light - no matter what happens, what you don't have or you don't like. I choose to see this as a house of love, where doves - who mate for life - choose to be year after year. I choose to be here, now, and year after year too. And, I choose to love it here, no matter what happens, or what I don't have or don't like.

Perspective

So many things have brought me lately to a very new perspective. It is healthier and much more vibrant. It is more human and reasonable, taking baby steps toward goals with much less pressure. Taking more responsibility for my own corner of the world, and recognizing the power that I have to do so. Allowing more love for self and others to continually abound and flow and re-flow. Taking each moment for what it is. Acceptance. So many things to be thankful for.